The months have flown since my last update, with my efforts and attention focused on finalising my up-and-coming work of fiction (as discussed in my previous entry). Never before have I felt so excited by a project whilst also fearful and wary; each chapter and the unfoldings of the story have all been so unfamiliar and so unlike anything I’ve ever undertaken before, and I have found myself uncertain and in unknown territory throughout the process. But nonetheless, I allowed myself to become immersed in every single stage; I have valued the individual moments spent crafting the spells and allowing the manuscript to work its magic, and not at any point have I felt less than completely passionate and dedicated.
And all of this is only thus far… The journey is far from over.
However, there have been circumstances that have arisen in recent weeks that have meant a halt in my progress, and, due to the genre and twists of the book, which are too closely aligned with my personal life and create the most significant, deeply painful conflict, I am having to cast aside the idea of completing this work—at least for now. To continue on with this feels like an impossibility in this moment, if only from an emotional perspective, and I can’t see that I could do any justice to the ideas I have stored away and nurtured for so long. If I were to continue, the end result would be a half-effort, and publication would hurt my heart when I reflect on what is happening in my life. But ultimately, I can’t see that writing even another word is possible; my stomach twists at the thought.
The G72 project is something I have been desperate to undertake and complete for more than a year; it deeply saddens me to realise it will remain a half-form until my mind is strong enough to venture back to dark places. But timing is pivotal and all-important, and although it pains me to admit it, perhaps now just isn’t the right time.
Everything happens for a reason. Life unfolds and turns and spins, and we can’t predict what’s waiting around the corner. And, although we have to take control and seize the moment, sometimes we also need to go with the flow of a situation and not try to swim against the tide. For now, I’m just going to give myself up to where the current decides to take me.
I know a rainbow will follow the storm. And perhaps then I’ll feel able to pick up my pen and continue on with what I am sure will be a better version of itself after being permitted to take the necessary time to grow.